The Big “Why”
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)
Isaiah 55:8-9, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." (NIV)
Proverbs 28:26, "He who trusts in himself is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom is kept safe." (NIV 1984)
How many times a year, a month, a week, a day, and so on do we ask ourselves “why”? Why me? Why is this happening to our family? Why did this happen to my loved one? Are we being punished? What did we do to deserve this fate…this seemingly never-ending struggle? Why does it have to be so dang hard, day in and day out? Why isn’t he/she getting better? Why aren’t our questions being answered and why aren’t we getting all the help we need and deserve?
The list of “whys” can go on and on…filling a caregiver’s head with the most negative, unhealthy thoughts. Our hearts and souls ache for answers to our “whys”, and we become easily discouraged and even physically ill when we feel we are not being treated justly. Concentrating on the unfairness of our situation and how we feel we are being treated can quickly overwhelm us, continuously pulling us down into that nasty pit if tar. Once you sink into it, it can be extremely difficult to drag yourself out. We want answers, we deserve answers, and gosh dang it we need them now! If only it were that easy.
The hardest thing to tell someone who has suddenly become a caregiver is that there aren’t any easy answers…and sometimes there is no answer at all. It just happened. Period. Deep down, we as caregivers already know this in our minds; but finally allowing our hearts to accept this harsh reality is a different story…because it makes us all too aware that our struggle may not get any easier, that all our problems aren’t going to be magically resolved, and that we will continue to have to work hard…so very hard…at making our lives what we want them to be rather than continuing to point fingers and blame the evil unknown. Your husband was shot by a sniper, your wife received a TBI after being thrown back against a vehicle, your father lost an arm and received terrible burns and scarring on his face from an IED, your sister was raped by an officer that she thought was her friend. Your loved one and your family will never be quite the same again. We can’t go back in time and make it right, and that’s what frustrates us the most…we can’t fill that void or simply give back what has been so unjustly taken from them. We can’t slap a Band-Aid on their wounds and watch them miraculously heal from the inside out.
And yet…there is still HOPE. Hope is not lost, and you CAN learn how to better cope with all the unanswered “whys” without succumbing to that self-pity that will lure you into that ever-consuming, negative frame of mind. Is it easy? No. Will it take your time and effort? Heck, yes. Every. Single. Day. But why not try? Why not give it a shot? For the sake of your loved one, who certainly didn’t see their injury coming, but stayed in the fight regardless of their fears...why not at least give it a try? They are depending on you to put on that game face, to make their lives (and yours) as normal as possible, even when the task feels as if it is virtually impossible. And whether you like it or not, you have stepped up to the plate and taken on the role of being that provider, that caregiver, the ultimate champ. For that act alone, you should be rocking the boxing gloves, because you are tough as nails and have immediately become a role model for so many others. You may not feel it in your heart just yet, but you are a hero. You have accepted the challenge, and you will overcome it. You simply cannot allow those “whys” and “awfulizing” thoughts to catch you off guard, because they will make several attempts to creep up on you if you let them. Keep that right hook prepared and waiting for when this happens, and tell yourself that yes, life is extremely unfair at times…but it doesn’t mean you have to lie down and let it walk all over you.
More importantly, what can you learn from this nasty curveball or flaming asteroid that life has unexpectedly thrown at you? How is it going to make you a stronger person, a tighter family, and an even more devoted spouse? Once you accept that the “why” will more than likely never be answered, put on those big girl (or big boy) pants and take charge! Here are a few ways you can get your boxing gloves prepped and ready…
Changing to positive thoughts through self-talk.
When you are in a stressful situation, take a moment to think about the feelings as well as the thoughts that you are having.
Five steps for managing your feelings.
When you are experiencing stress, you can try to change your thoughts. Changing your thoughts may improve your outlook. There are five steps that you can follow. They will help you change your thoughts to more positive ones. They will also help you reduce stress.
· Step 1. Identify the situation—describe events that led to your unpleasant thinking. Ask yourself: What happened?
· Step 2. Identify your thoughts in the situation. Ask yourself: What are you thinking? Recognize the unhealthy thoughts. Watch out for all or nothing thinking, awfulizing, and focusing on negatives, as described above. These thoughts are usually very negative.
· Step 3. Recognize your emotions and feelings. Ask yourself: What am I feeling?
· Step 4. Challenge and replace or substitute unhelpful or negative thoughts with more helpful or milder thoughts. Ask yourself: What is a different way of thinking about the situation?
1. Come up with positive, constructive solutions and act upon them.
2. You may have thought of an experience as horrible. Try to view it as merely unpleasant. This is the crucial step. It may be hard at first, but keep practicing. Substitute milder thoughts for all or nothing and awfulizing thinking. Stop focusing on negatives. Remember, changing your thoughts may be the best solution.
· Step 5. Be patient. Be patient; practice and hard work are necessary in order to overcome and change unhealthy ways of reacting to difficult situations.
Thought record.
*It is important to stop and identify the thoughts you are having in a stressful situation.
*One way to stop and identify your thoughts is by keeping track of what you are thinking.
* Keep a thought record on a weekly basis. Whenever you feel stressed, angry or simply overwhelmed, write down what it was that you were doing, how you felt while you were doing it, and what may have triggered those feelings.
*You can record your thoughts in a journal or diary, or keep a simple notebook with a column for each of the five steps you take in managing your feelings.
****The fight is yet to be over, but you CAN do it! You WILL get through it, and you will be all the more stronger and wiser because of it. I have faith in you, and am only a call or email away! Mandy.barr@gsw.edu J
