How Heavy Is Your Caregiving Bag?

Bags can be heavy. How many times have we loaded up a diaper bag, a ruck sack, a field pack, or a purse with one thing after the next, burden after burden? I don't know about you, but often I look into my workbag and can't find something I need amidst all the other things I stuffed into it...you know, all those "must haves" that you felt were crucial to your very existence at the time. Many times I have to stop and ruffle through my bag, assessing each item and saying to myself, "How is this supposed to help me? Do I really need this thing cluttering up my bag right now?"

For many of our loved ones who have and are still serving, their ruck sacks and other bags are usually filled with pertinent gear, supplies, and other items that enable them to survive and get them accustomed to carrying heavy loads under extreme conditions. As caregivers and spouses of servicemembers and veterans, we have made the choice to take on our own "loads". We all carry baggage, as human beings in general, whether you are a caregiver or not. All of us carry "bags" of different sizes and weights, but the question is: how do we lighten the load? Or better yet, how do we prevent our burdens from becoming too heavy to carry in the first place?

Let's start by taking a look at some of the most common burdens that caregivers of wounded servicemembers and veterans face:

· doctors appointments, VA appointments

· unresolved issues with spouse's conditions

· lack of family support

· family sickness, mental health (depression and axiety)

· lack of appreciation, validation of efforts

· withdrawal of spouse, anger, resentment

· financial strain

· family drama

· children acting out, being withdrawn, school problems

· children with special needs

The list could go on and on and on...but you get the idea. These are all legitimate concerns that some of us deal with on a daily basis. They can be unavoidable and ever present issues in your caregiving bag. While these burdens will continue to exist, they can all be dealt with and handled in a way that helps you to feel better as both a caregiver and a spouse, or mother/father/sister/brother. In order to help relieve some of the pressure and weight of these burdens, we now need to examine some of the unnecessary "clutter" or "junk" that also tend to fall into our bags, sitting on top of and filling in the cracks between the burdens we area already carrying in our bags:

· impatience, bitterness

· low self-esteem, lack of self-worth

· guilt

· anger, resentment

· lack of confidence

· self-pity

· overwhelming disappointment

I know what you're saying, "But..but...I can't help feeling this way sometimes! What I do is such a hard job!" Trust me, I am feeling you, my darlings.  All of these feelings can naturally follow a caregiver around like a sad little puppy dog, wanting to be nurtured and fed with tender affection...and it's oh so easy to do that. They are often feelings that seem unavoidable, and the more we let them take over our caregiving mindset, the heavier our load will feel...and the more it will wear us down until we break. While they are natural feelings, they are not healthy feelings.  Don't let this happen! I know, easier said than done, right?  It takes effort, practice, and determination to not let all of the unnecessary clutter crowd our caregiving bags. Let's take a look at a few tips that can help you prevent yourself from letting the "junk" invade your already too heavy sack.

1. Be an assertive communicator and thinker: assertive thinking is different from aggressive thinking in that you are able to vocalize what you want in a calm, pro-active manner. You aren't barking commands or giving ultimatums but rather boosting your confidence level by not backing down until your needs are met in some way, shape or form. When our loved one is being difficult or unnecessarily rude and hurtful, calmly let them know that you are more willing to talk to him/her once they have cooled off a little, and that you are going to take a short break. You understand that their needs are important, but you don’t deserve to be yelled at or talked down to simply because something is not going their way at the time.

2. Start a blessings journal/diary. You don't need to write a novel by any means, but keeping a small notepad or special notebook around will enable you to write down anything positive that may happen throughout the day. Getting those positive thoughts and words onto paper forces your mind to focus less on the chaos breaking out around you. Yes, your toddler may be sick with projectile vomit at the same time your husband is accusing you of spending too much money, while your dog has also decided to drag a once potted plant across the newly vacuumed carpet…but you are still alive and breathing (with teeth clenched).  Focus on the positive (and humorous) parts of the day that can help you better cope with the next day…and the next.

3. Find something to do each day that is all about YOU. This one is crucial to your overall mental and physical health, but is also the hardest tip to follow. How do we care for ourselves when we are so busy and overwhelmed with caring for others? Is it even allowed? Yes! You cannot effectively take care of your spouse or loved one if none of your needs are being met in the process. Carve that brief 15-20 minutes out of your day, every day, to focus on yourself…whether it’s taking a short walk, screaming into a pillow, writing in that journal, praying, reading a devotional, or simply hiding in the closet to paint your toenails. Pop in that video for the kids to watch, find something safe to occupy your loved one for that brief period of time, and ESCAPE.

4. Find a support group, a good counselor, or both! I know this seems like a very obvious form of intervention, but so many caregivers out there are still severely lacking in terms of receiving the proper help and resources they need to help combat the injury-related conditions of their loved ones…especially those living in more rural parts of the U.S. Even it’s only one night out of the week for 30 minutes, find that much needed outlet for yourself. Look into your faith-based community, talk to a pastor, or look for any groups that may exist on base. If you are having a hard time finding one and know of a couple of other spouses that are also needing help, start your own! Go out and get coffee together, or have meetings at each other’s homes while the kids and husband/wife are occupied. More and more therapists are also getting on board with Tricare, making it easier to get the professional help you may need…whatever it may be…go out and grab ahold of it!

5. Keep your goals and dreams alive and well! Being a caregiver is a full-time position on top of being a mother, father and keeping that other job that you are struggling to focus on at the same time. You are only human, however, and not a machine or robot…devoid of dreams, fantasies, and goals. Go ahead and allow yourself to daydream, tap into your creative energy during that “You” time, and write down any goals or desires that you wish to accomplish. The more you allow yourself to take charge of your needs and wants, the more confidence you’ll have as a caregiver. Those people who allow themselves to daydream and think about what they want out of life often find themselves renewed with energy, and feel even more confident about taking on both their caregiving responsibilities as well as any personal goals. You may even want to schedule at family night once a week in which you talk openly as a family about what you have accomplished together that week. Encourage creativity amongst your children and even your loved one…daydreaming can be very therapeutic for you as a couple.

Now, is it absolutely guaranteed that all of these tips will immediately “lighten your load” if implemented? No, it takes time and practice before you can get into the routine of knocking all that clutter out of the way. Just like with any aspect of caregiving, it is all trial and error with each family being so different and unique. Stay consistent with the tips that work for you and your family, don’t forget to look outside the box, and work hard together to make those bags seem less and less heavy.