Mind Over Matter: Boot Camp for Your Brain

Mind Over Matter: Boot Camp for Your Brain

Stressed much? Reaching that point where if one more person asks how you’re feeling, you may just slap them? Finding yourself putting the car keys in the refrigerator and the orange juice in the pantry? Well, honey child, I think it’s safe to say we have all been there and done that! You are not alone!

As a caregiver, your mental strength can and will be tested, stretched, pulled, torn and shattered over and over again. Each time you may wonder how and when you will ever pick yourself up and keep going with an utter  lack of sleep, support, and...in my case… red wine. You may have already reached that point at which you officially want to throw in the towel, crawl into a dark space, and hibernate. Forever. As blissful as that sounds, however, a good caregiver will never give up. You know you can’t hide from your loved one’s conditions because they aren’t going anywhere any time soon. That having been said, how do you keep those feet shuffling along? How do you get up and get through the next day?

MENTAL RESILIENCE.  That’s how. Don’t get me wrong, keeping your body in the best shape possible will do wonders for your caregiving abilities…but improving your overall mental outlook is crucial to being the best caregiver that you can be.  Strengthening your mind, your psyche, and your heart need to be at the top of your caregiving to-do list every day. When you keep your mental and emotional self as healthy as possible, your body will follow suit.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. As we say in the South, “Ain’t nobody got time for that!” As a caregiver, your plate is jammed packed. Okay, maybe more like overflowing at this point. This is when that extra bit of mental strength is most important! Well, let’s take a look at what I call “The 7 Crucial C’s of Resilience” and see just how little it takes to effectively integrate a brain workout into your daily schedule. Time for Brain Boot Camp!

The 7 Crucial C’s of Resilience

1.       Competence—What are some of your special abilities? What kinds of skills have you picked up as a caregiver? What types of skills would you like to improve or learn more about? Jot down a short list of these (heck, do it now!) and think of how far you’ve come since you first began caregiving. Or, if you are new at this, think of one thing that you are already doing well. Write down a short list of tasks you want to accomplish each day, and check each one off as you complete it. Having that visual present will make you feel more empowered.

2.       Confidence—Wave your caregiving flag with pride! You are already a hero for having the courage to step into the role of caregiver! Get on with your bad self! Give yourself compliments every day, whether it be in the form of a sticky note on the bathroom mirror or an email/voicemail to yourself reminding you that you are important, kind, compassionate, smart, funny, and good-looking. Make an effort to smile as much as possible, even when you feel like punching a hole through the wall. Smiling automatically triggers the “happy hormones” that are essential to feeling good. Use them to your benefit!

3.       Connection—Healthy minds thrive on healthy conversation with other adults! As brilliant as your precious three year old may be, your brain and heart need to interact with other adults in order to function at their best capacity. Get connected as soon as possible with a support group, a walking partner, and other resources that feed your brain with new ideas. Refresh your mind during a simple five minute phone call with a “check-in” buddy.  Sign up for an online daily devotional, discover a new blog, and SHARE your thoughts and experiences with others!

4.       Character—Juggling multiple responsibilities and knowing how to be resourceful builds character. Being able to battle your loved one’s conditions as well as manage your own conditions and stress gives you experience and knowledge that many non-caregivers do not possess. Take five minutes a day to reflect on or write down any goals or dreams that you may have for the upcoming day, month, year…or ten years down the road. Be creative and don’t be afraid to fantasize about what you want to accomplish! Build onto your character by taking an online course, get certified for a specific skill, or make a presentation to a support group or rehab facility. Give yourself the credit you deserve!

5.       Contribution—Utilize your caregiving skills by reaching out to others. This does not necessarily have to be time consuming. Share advice and caregiving tips with others who may be new to caregiving and are desperately in need of support and encouragement. You know what that’s like, so why not empower yourself by lifting up others?

6.       Coping—Every caregiver deals with their own unique situation, so it makes sense that you may choose to cope with your situation differently than your friend. Even so, there are still both healthy and negative ways of coping with stress. Make a list of what you believe are good coping habits. Now make a list of bad coping habits and compare the two.  Which of these do you feel you are using to deal with your stress the most? If you are feeling more tired, frustrated, anxious or sad as a result of your coping mechanism (s) (i.e. drinking, smoking, binge eating) then you may need to seek help in order to redirect yourself onto the right path again.

7.       Control—Don’t we all like to feel as if we have everything covered? Well, sometimes things happen that are simply out of our control, and we have to figure out how to best deal with the chaos that has been dealt to us. Now, I’m a sassy Southern woman at heart, and I have to admit that I haven’t always confronted chaos with a “Bless your little heart” attitude. My temper and impatience are two traits that I have to continuously rein in when I feel a situation slipping out from under my thumb. In order to react in the most efficient and effective way possible, I try to remember these two things:  1) Breathe  and 2) You ARE in control of how you let a conflict, person, or a dog that decided to digest some very important papers from work affect your feelings and emotions. You can choose to make yourself feel worse by reacting violently…or you can take it all in stride and pride yourself on keeping your cool. Regain control by reminding yourself that your actions are going to affect not just yourself, but everyone else around you.

So caregivers, put your mind and soul through a boot camp of sorts, and get them into tip top shape so that you can be the best caregiver you can be. Both you and your loved one will benefit greatly from your newfound resilience!

The Big Why

The Big “Why”

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)

Isaiah 55:8-9, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." (NIV)

Proverbs 28:26, "He who trusts in himself is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom is kept safe." (NIV 1984)

How many times a year, a month, a week, a day, and so on do we ask ourselves “why”? Why me? Why is this happening to our family? Why did this happen to my loved one? Are we being punished? What did we do to deserve this fate…this seemingly never-ending struggle? Why does it have to be so dang hard, day in and day out? Why isn’t he/she getting better? Why aren’t our questions being answered and why aren’t we getting all the help we need and deserve?

The list of “whys” can go on and on…filling a caregiver’s head with the most negative, unhealthy thoughts. Our hearts and souls ache for answers to our “whys”, and we become easily discouraged and even physically ill when we feel we are not being treated justly. Concentrating on the unfairness of our situation and how we feel we are being treated can quickly overwhelm us, continuously pulling us down into that nasty pit if tar. Once you sink into it, it can be extremely difficult to drag yourself out. We want answers, we deserve answers, and gosh dang it we need them now! If only it were that easy.

The hardest thing to tell someone who has suddenly become a caregiver is that there aren’t any easy answers…and sometimes there is no answer at all. It just happened. Period. Deep down, we as caregivers already know this in our minds; but finally allowing our hearts to accept this harsh reality is a different story…because it makes us all too aware that our struggle may not get any easier, that all our problems aren’t going to be magically resolved, and that we will continue to have to work hard…so very hard…at making our lives what we want them to be rather than continuing to point fingers and blame the evil unknown. Your husband was shot by a sniper, your wife received a TBI after being thrown back against a vehicle, your father lost an arm and received terrible burns and scarring on his face from an IED, your sister was raped by an officer that she thought was her friend. Your loved one and your family will never be quite the same again. We can’t go back in time and make it right, and that’s what frustrates us the most…we can’t fill that void or simply give back what has been so unjustly taken from them. We can’t slap a Band-Aid on their wounds and watch them miraculously heal from the inside out. 

And yet…there is still HOPE. Hope is not lost, and you CAN learn how to better cope with all the unanswered “whys” without succumbing to that self-pity that will lure you into that ever-consuming, negative frame of mind. Is it easy? No. Will it take your time and effort? Heck, yes. Every. Single. Day. But why not try? Why not give it a shot? For the sake of your loved one, who certainly didn’t see their injury coming, but stayed in the fight regardless of their fears...why not at least give it a try? They are depending on you to put on that game face, to make their lives (and yours) as normal as possible, even when the task feels as if it is virtually impossible. And whether you like it or not, you have stepped up to the plate and taken on the role of being that provider, that caregiver, the ultimate champ. For that act alone, you should be rocking the boxing gloves, because you are tough as nails and have immediately become a role model for so many others. You may not feel it in your heart just yet, but you are a hero. You have accepted the challenge, and you will overcome it. You simply cannot allow those “whys” and “awfulizing” thoughts to catch you off guard, because they will make several attempts to creep up on you if you let them. Keep that right hook prepared and waiting for when this happens, and tell yourself that yes, life is extremely unfair at times…but it doesn’t mean you have to lie down and let it walk all over you.

More importantly, what can you learn from this nasty curveball or flaming asteroid that life has unexpectedly thrown at you? How is it going to make you a stronger person, a tighter family, and an even more devoted spouse? Once you accept that the “why” will more than likely never be answered, put on those big girl (or big boy) pants and take charge! Here are a few ways you can get your boxing gloves prepped and ready…

Changing to positive thoughts through self-talk.

When you are in a stressful situation, take a moment to think about the feelings as well as the thoughts that you are having.

Five steps for managing your feelings.

When you are experiencing stress, you can try to change your thoughts. Changing your thoughts may improve your outlook. There are five steps that you can follow. They will help you change your thoughts to more positive ones. They will also help you reduce stress.

·         Step 1. Identify the situation—describe events that led to your unpleasant thinking. Ask yourself: What happened?

·         Step 2. Identify your thoughts in the situation. Ask yourself: What are you thinking? Recognize the unhealthy thoughts. Watch out for all or nothing thinking, awfulizing, and focusing on negatives, as described above. These thoughts are usually very negative.

·         Step 3. Recognize your emotions and feelings. Ask yourself: What am I feeling?

·         Step 4. Challenge and replace or substitute unhelpful or negative thoughts with more helpful or milder thoughts. Ask yourself: What is a different way of thinking about the situation?

1. Come up with positive, constructive solutions and act upon them.

2. You may have thought of an experience as horrible. Try to view it as merely unpleasant. This is the crucial step. It may be hard at first, but keep practicing. Substitute milder thoughts for all or nothing and awfulizing thinking. Stop focusing on negatives. Remember, changing your thoughts may be the best solution.

·         Step 5. Be patient. Be patient; practice and hard work are necessary in order to overcome and change unhealthy ways of reacting to difficult situations.

Thought record.

*It is important to stop and identify the thoughts you are having in a stressful situation.

*One way to stop and identify your thoughts is by keeping track of what you are thinking.

* Keep a thought record on a weekly basis. Whenever you feel stressed, angry or simply overwhelmed, write down what it was that you were doing, how you felt while you were doing it, and what may have triggered those feelings.

*You can record your thoughts in a journal or diary, or keep a simple notebook with a column for each of the five steps you take in managing your feelings.

****The fight is yet to be over, but you CAN do it! You WILL get through it, and you will be all the more stronger and wiser because of it. I have faith in you, and am only a call or email away! Mandy.barr@gsw.edu J

How Heavy Is Your Caregiving Bag?

Bags can be heavy. How many times have we loaded up a diaper bag, a ruck sack, a field pack, or a purse with one thing after the next, burden after burden? I don't know about you, but often I look into my workbag and can't find something I need amidst all the other things I stuffed into it...you know, all those "must haves" that you felt were crucial to your very existence at the time. Many times I have to stop and ruffle through my bag, assessing each item and saying to myself, "How is this supposed to help me? Do I really need this thing cluttering up my bag right now?"

For many of our loved ones who have and are still serving, their ruck sacks and other bags are usually filled with pertinent gear, supplies, and other items that enable them to survive and get them accustomed to carrying heavy loads under extreme conditions. As caregivers and spouses of servicemembers and veterans, we have made the choice to take on our own "loads". We all carry baggage, as human beings in general, whether you are a caregiver or not. All of us carry "bags" of different sizes and weights, but the question is: how do we lighten the load? Or better yet, how do we prevent our burdens from becoming too heavy to carry in the first place?

Let's start by taking a look at some of the most common burdens that caregivers of wounded servicemembers and veterans face:

· doctors appointments, VA appointments

· unresolved issues with spouse's conditions

· lack of family support

· family sickness, mental health (depression and axiety)

· lack of appreciation, validation of efforts

· withdrawal of spouse, anger, resentment

· financial strain

· family drama

· children acting out, being withdrawn, school problems

· children with special needs

The list could go on and on and on...but you get the idea. These are all legitimate concerns that some of us deal with on a daily basis. They can be unavoidable and ever present issues in your caregiving bag. While these burdens will continue to exist, they can all be dealt with and handled in a way that helps you to feel better as both a caregiver and a spouse, or mother/father/sister/brother. In order to help relieve some of the pressure and weight of these burdens, we now need to examine some of the unnecessary "clutter" or "junk" that also tend to fall into our bags, sitting on top of and filling in the cracks between the burdens we area already carrying in our bags:

· impatience, bitterness

· low self-esteem, lack of self-worth

· guilt

· anger, resentment

· lack of confidence

· self-pity

· overwhelming disappointment

I know what you're saying, "But..but...I can't help feeling this way sometimes! What I do is such a hard job!" Trust me, I am feeling you, my darlings.  All of these feelings can naturally follow a caregiver around like a sad little puppy dog, wanting to be nurtured and fed with tender affection...and it's oh so easy to do that. They are often feelings that seem unavoidable, and the more we let them take over our caregiving mindset, the heavier our load will feel...and the more it will wear us down until we break. While they are natural feelings, they are not healthy feelings.  Don't let this happen! I know, easier said than done, right?  It takes effort, practice, and determination to not let all of the unnecessary clutter crowd our caregiving bags. Let's take a look at a few tips that can help you prevent yourself from letting the "junk" invade your already too heavy sack.

1. Be an assertive communicator and thinker: assertive thinking is different from aggressive thinking in that you are able to vocalize what you want in a calm, pro-active manner. You aren't barking commands or giving ultimatums but rather boosting your confidence level by not backing down until your needs are met in some way, shape or form. When our loved one is being difficult or unnecessarily rude and hurtful, calmly let them know that you are more willing to talk to him/her once they have cooled off a little, and that you are going to take a short break. You understand that their needs are important, but you don’t deserve to be yelled at or talked down to simply because something is not going their way at the time.

2. Start a blessings journal/diary. You don't need to write a novel by any means, but keeping a small notepad or special notebook around will enable you to write down anything positive that may happen throughout the day. Getting those positive thoughts and words onto paper forces your mind to focus less on the chaos breaking out around you. Yes, your toddler may be sick with projectile vomit at the same time your husband is accusing you of spending too much money, while your dog has also decided to drag a once potted plant across the newly vacuumed carpet…but you are still alive and breathing (with teeth clenched).  Focus on the positive (and humorous) parts of the day that can help you better cope with the next day…and the next.

3. Find something to do each day that is all about YOU. This one is crucial to your overall mental and physical health, but is also the hardest tip to follow. How do we care for ourselves when we are so busy and overwhelmed with caring for others? Is it even allowed? Yes! You cannot effectively take care of your spouse or loved one if none of your needs are being met in the process. Carve that brief 15-20 minutes out of your day, every day, to focus on yourself…whether it’s taking a short walk, screaming into a pillow, writing in that journal, praying, reading a devotional, or simply hiding in the closet to paint your toenails. Pop in that video for the kids to watch, find something safe to occupy your loved one for that brief period of time, and ESCAPE.

4. Find a support group, a good counselor, or both! I know this seems like a very obvious form of intervention, but so many caregivers out there are still severely lacking in terms of receiving the proper help and resources they need to help combat the injury-related conditions of their loved ones…especially those living in more rural parts of the U.S. Even it’s only one night out of the week for 30 minutes, find that much needed outlet for yourself. Look into your faith-based community, talk to a pastor, or look for any groups that may exist on base. If you are having a hard time finding one and know of a couple of other spouses that are also needing help, start your own! Go out and get coffee together, or have meetings at each other’s homes while the kids and husband/wife are occupied. More and more therapists are also getting on board with Tricare, making it easier to get the professional help you may need…whatever it may be…go out and grab ahold of it!

5. Keep your goals and dreams alive and well! Being a caregiver is a full-time position on top of being a mother, father and keeping that other job that you are struggling to focus on at the same time. You are only human, however, and not a machine or robot…devoid of dreams, fantasies, and goals. Go ahead and allow yourself to daydream, tap into your creative energy during that “You” time, and write down any goals or desires that you wish to accomplish. The more you allow yourself to take charge of your needs and wants, the more confidence you’ll have as a caregiver. Those people who allow themselves to daydream and think about what they want out of life often find themselves renewed with energy, and feel even more confident about taking on both their caregiving responsibilities as well as any personal goals. You may even want to schedule at family night once a week in which you talk openly as a family about what you have accomplished together that week. Encourage creativity amongst your children and even your loved one…daydreaming can be very therapeutic for you as a couple.

Now, is it absolutely guaranteed that all of these tips will immediately “lighten your load” if implemented? No, it takes time and practice before you can get into the routine of knocking all that clutter out of the way. Just like with any aspect of caregiving, it is all trial and error with each family being so different and unique. Stay consistent with the tips that work for you and your family, don’t forget to look outside the box, and work hard together to make those bags seem less and less heavy.

Handling Disappointment: Hitting That Wall and Breaking It Down

While training caregivers on problem-solving, I have noticed a common issue that haunts all caregivers, no matter how different each situation may be...and that issue is disappointment...with a capital "D." Anyone out there nodding their heads yet? Our emotional and spiritual beings become tattered, torn and sometimes ripped apart because we become overwhelmed by disappointment...whether it lies in our spouses's condition not improving at the rate we expected, our loved one is not willing fighting our efforts to care for him/her, or we are struggling with communication between leadership, legal issues, and healthcare providers.

From both personal experience as a military spouse and from my work with military families, I find that disappointment usually weighs upon us so heavily due to a gap between our expectations and the reality of our current situation. Does this mean that the way we are being treated is always fair? Most certainly not. But are we really being completely honest with ourselves all the time when is comes to our expectations? Probably not. It's only human.

One of the first things I coach my caregivers on when we get started with the problem-solving training is to set realistic expectations for the situation. Conditions can get better, but not on our schedule...we have to be flexible as caregivers. Accepting the "new norm" and moving on from there is pretty much the only choice many of us have with our loved one's conditions. Trying to drag the past by it's toenails into the present will make you hit that wall of disappointment quicker than you can say "Ow!"

So, that having been said, how do we handle our disappointment? It is inevitable, we all face it at some point. What are we going to do about it?  Here are three questions you can ask yourself when you feel disappointment setting in...

1. What do I need to learn? In other words, could you be approaching the situation from the wrong angle? Is my spouse trying to teach me something about myself or about his/her needs that I'm not understanding right now?

2. Could it be that I'm so concerned with what I don't have, that I've forgotten to be thankful for what I do have? Keep a blessings journal, be thankful for the sun shining outside, give praise for your children's good health. You're alive and your spouse is alive! Find something positive each day to be happy about!

3. Is there something I can do to change this situation? Maybe you're at the point where you need to look into respite care, or go to a workshop to educate yourself on a particular caregiving issue. Perhaps you simply need some time to yourself to gather your thoughts, breathe, exhale, pitch a hissy fit, and return to the situation with a better, more calm perspective.

Together, we can turn disappointments into opportunities for growth and learning! Imagine that! It doesn't always have to lead to crying ourselves to sleep at night, or throwing in the towel. We can close the gap between our unrealistic expectations and our realities by setting smaller, more reachable goals rather than shooting for the moon.  Don't be scared to look outside the box for new alternatives and solutions to your problems. I am here to help as well if you need me :) I hope you all have a wonderful day, and grab those disappointments by the cohones! Show them who's boss!

Let's Get this Caregiving Party Started!

Hello all caregivers of wounded warriors, including both active duty and retired veterans! I am attempting to get our first blog up and running for the Wounded Warrior Family Caregiving Program, and would love to recruit a few followers! There are some topics that simply are too detailed to discuss on our Facebook page, and would love to invite those who have questions and topics they would like address to get this blog party rolling!

Our program offers problem-solving training and customized stress management for those who are currently taking care of a wounded warrior, whether he/she be active duty or retired...from any branch...with any disability such as PTSD, TBI, burns, etc. Being a caregiver is a full-time job on top of being a mother, wife, and working another job outside of the home.

Please feel free to spread the word about our new blog...and I would love to take suggestions for a new name :)  You all, as caregivers, have ownership with your voices and a say so in what you'd like for the the blog to be called ;)

I look forward to hearing your ideas and suggestions!

Basics of Problem Solving Training

What are the basics of problem-solving training? We like to sum it up in one word: FOCUS. F=finding out the facts of the problem. O=being optimistic while discovering where the problems lie. C=being creative when finding alternatives and setting goals as solutions to your problems. U=Understanding what the problem(s) really is/are. Where are they really coming from? Finally, S=solutions...which solutions are you willing to try and could be the most beneficial for you?

Don't Suffer In Silence!

The Holiday Season can be a very rough time for soldiers and their families, especially for those who have lost loved ones, are still missing loved ones, and for those battling a mental or physical disability. At the Rosalynn Carter Institute, we are still here to help over the holidays. If you feel lonely, depressed, or simply overwhelmed by your loved one's disability, please call 1-706-566-2013. Mandy Barr, a problem-solving coach, will be glad to help you!